the apology was a waste of time

I got an apology letter on my door from the ex. I can’t believe I’m even wasting the time to write about it. He doesn’t deserve one more minute. But, I have read many stories of women who were dumped shortly after their surgery for endometriosis and I felt the need to address it.

One week after my surgery I could barely walk to the bathroom on my own. I still wasn’t able to sleep laying down in my bed because it was too painful to sit up. I couldn’t feel my bladder so I was trying to crawl to the bathroom every hour to avoid peeing on myself which happened a few times. I couldn’t stand up long enough to shower so you can imagine the mess I was making. Every time I dropped something I had to leave it on the floor because I couldn’t pick it up. I had asked my boyfriend at the time to be there for me after my surgery and he only stayed 2 nights. He went back to work more concerned about it than me. That was the story of our relationship. Then I was too tired to have visitors. I was in pain, after all. Why is this happening to me?Will I be able to have children? I was crying and upset all day long. I was short with him and he got mad at me. He stormed out of my apartment and a few days later dumped me over the phone. After a few years of dating he didn’t even have the respect for me to talk to me in person. I fell into a depression for a few weeks, angry at myself for staying in an unhappy relationship just because I needed someone and angry at him for discarding me when I needed him the most. If someone who claimed that he LOVED me was able to discard me easily, how would anyone else want to try to love me when they know I have a disease that could affect the rest of my life? Next time I have pain will this new love discard me too? It made it impossible to think about dating again. I felt more worthless than I did during the lonely relationship. I never thought that would be possible! Then I started to realize it was easier without him. I wasn’t stressed out. I was sleeping better. I knew I had to pull up my big panties and do it all myself. Hey, I’ve been the strongest person I know for quite some time and never relied on anyone else.. why was I thinking I could count on someone now?? I guess that’s what happens when you love someone. You expect the person who says they love you to celebrate all the happy times and rewards, and to carry you through the rough times, never compete with each other because you are a strong team. that is what a relationship is all about, No? I might be wrong.

Like he said, I stopped being fun. Chronic pain, worry, surgery, and hearing that a woman might not be a mother because she waited too long. I guess that wasn’t fun for me either. But, who cared about my feelings? He didn’t. He didn’t even consider how I felt about any of this. I couldn’t even talk to him about it.

Some apologies happen too late. Some apologies don’t need to happen at all because it doesn’t benefit anyone. What’s done is done. I can easily forgive but I will never forget how someone made me feel and I will never go back to a unhappy situation that hurt me more than anything in life. I’ve already been spending time with someone who makes me feel better than I have in the last three years. I’m really lucky to have these moments to give me more hope that things will just always be OK.

Holli

hiking the manitou point preserve

I love hiking. It is one of my favorite things to do. I had given it up a few times in the past due to knee and foot injuries and that hurt my soul. One thing that I have learned from my recent diagnosis with Endometriosis is that I can’t let anything hold me back from doing the things I want to do NOW because someday I might not be able to do them. Live in the moment.

I made a loose plan to take the Metro North train to Manitou Point Preserve to go hiking on Sunday. I almost miss my train at Grand Central at 7:40 am because they are filming a movie and the entire crew is taking up the entranceway to the main terminal. I have to run and the ticket guy says I have 3 minutes to catch my train! OH, 3 minutes is plenty of time to get a cup of coffee!

The train ride is only an hour north, but the train only stops at Manitou twice in the morning and a few times in the afternoon so timing is critical. The Manitou stop has no stores, restaurants, or public bathrooms – nothing. There is just nature and that is all I need today.

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I get off the train and look around. On one side of the tracks is a little rocky beach area along the Hudson River and on the other side of the tracks is a small road with a spectacular view of the Bear Mountain Bridge past the marsh land full of cattails and bluffs. I great place to learn to paint a memorable landscape to hang on your wall.

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It is a warm early summer day with clear skies and the sounds of frogs in the marsh area are wonderful to hear! It’s been a long time since I’ve made a trek up north to go hiking.

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I continue down the road and see this sign to my left. I find out later that this is the back trail to the Manitou Point Preserve. Most of the land is now private properly and it clearly marked as to where hikers are allowed to go.

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I get a few feet down the path and see a few abandoned buildings, most of the roof and some of the walls are gone so it’s an easy place to explore and fun to photograph. I see a lot of these little orange salamanders on the ground. I’m glad they are bright orange so I don’t step on them because they never move out of my way.

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There is only approximately 4 miles of trails in the Manitou Point Preserve, but there are several trails to take to make it an entire day hike. I want to be on the blue trail because it extends along the Hudson River giving us a great view of the mountain region. The trail is dense and secluded and I enjoy the 4 miles through the woods. The trails are all clearly marked and easy to navigate on your own. It’s a great solo day hike if you are searching for a quiet break from the city.

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The path winds around until I get a view of the Hudson River – it is amazing! The path is literally on the edge of the river bank with drop offs close to your hiking boot. I can see the water hitting the rocks down below. I sit and catch a snack and some water and enjoy the view.

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You are looking at the The Taconic Mountains or Taconic Range, running along the eastern border of New York State, going northwest to Connecticut to western Massachusetts, north to central western Vermont. Some of the summits of this range are quite magnificent to view in Vermont. It is part of the Appalachian Trail also. 

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I continue on the blue trail which is starting to lead me back into the woods, towards the railroad tracks. The path goes over a small bridge where you can see the Metro North train from above. I start to walk up the other road and see a small waterfall and stone bridge. There are large brown salamanders all over so it’s hard to sit and eat my sandwich.

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I walk further up and find the parking lot and main entrance to the Manitou Point Preserve. There are a few cars in the parking lot but I only saw a few people along the trail in the 4 hours I was out there. I felt like I had the entire place to myself.

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I hike back down to the train because there is a train at 1:40 pm and 4:40 pm only and I need to catch it one of those trains. I had finished the hike much faster than expected. Well, I didn’t know what to expect. I had just planned to go somewhere I had never been and explore.

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I have plenty of time to sit on the rocky little beach I saw earlier and eat my lunch. I had packed a sandwich, snacks, and plenty of water because I knew there wasn’t anywhere to go. If you hike this area make sure you are prepared. I always pack more food than I can eat. If you hiked with me you know that I am always eating on the trail.

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The view of the Hudson River is wonderful here! If you want a simple day hike with an amazing view then come to Manitou Point Preserve!

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Well, the train came on time and I was sad to leave. I had a great day hike. I estimated that I hiked approximately 8 miles total and my knee was a bit tight and sore later on that night. All good. I am looking forward to my next hike!

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talking about my uterus

I wore my “Fight Like A Girl” t-shirt for Endometriosis Awareness to the volunteer event last weekend as promised. I was nervous before I left the apartment because I haven’t been very open about discussing my surgery or endometriosis diagnosis with most people around me. I am still trying to deal with it internally. It was a very emotionally painful experience for me at the time and not sure how to put all of it into words.

But, I there were several comments about my t-shirt through-out the day. I was glad that it was noticed but I kept my replies to a minimum. One guy said, “I don’t know how to pronounce that word or what it is.” As it was explained by another lady, he exclaimed, “UTERUS! Stop, I don’t want to know anymore after hearing words like uterus.”

I was not offended by the comment because it is to be expected by some people. There isn’t much known about endometriosis and I am learning quite a bit myself lately. I am wearing my t-shirt to raise awareness because it is important to me and many other women who suffer from it every day. I read horror stories about infertility and chronic pain that women are sharing on their personal blogs and websites – it truly breaks my heart.

But, I am disappointed that he disregarded the subject based on one word that made him uncomfortable because it could affect a woman in his life such as his wife, sister, or friend. Having endometriosis is uncomfortable. Explaining it to someone is uncomfortable. But, I want to talk about my uterus! I want to get to the point where I can be comfortable talking about this. Either way, it was a good start for me.

-Holli

gathering around the boathouse

On Saturday I hung out with a great group of people! I had soooo much fun!! I joined Green Shores NYC, the L.I.C. Boathouse, Riverkeepers, and the Friends of Gantry at the local East River shoreline in Long Island City in the Gantry State Park for the 2014 Riverkeeper Sweep.

It’s a quick commute for me on the 7 train so I arrive early and enjoy my homemade granola bar and coffee on the benches by the waterfront enjoying the view of Manhattan that I LOVE so much. The forecast had predicted rain but the clouds seem to be clearing and the sun is peeking through the leftover clouds. The L.I.C. Flea is already in full swing with music, food vendors cooking, and booths set up. It’s a great place to try different food, enjoy the waterfront in Queens, and buy some antiques or homemade items.

RiverKeeper_logoI had volunteered with Green Shores NYC a few years ago at a waterfront clean-up in Astoria Park. This not-for-profit organization is run by volunteers only and maintains the eight miles of the Astoria-Long Island City Waterfront from Newtown Creek to Bowery Bay. If you want to get involved with a local organization to participate in community clean-ups or other projects along the waterfront in Queens – THIS IS IT! 

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I am pictured above with Katie Ellman, President and Director of Green Shores NYC at the beginning of the volunteer event and, as you can see I am wearing my “Fight Like A Girl” t-shirt today!

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 We started off the day helping the volunteers from New York Cares and the Friends of Gantry to remove excess mulch off the plants in the garden. Apparently the city used too much of the mulch in this area in the garden beds and it is suffocating the plants and trees.

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As we are working in the garden removing the excess mulch we are also picking up small bits of litter which consist mostly of cigarette butts, food wrappers or small plastic pieces which can blow into the river and kill fish and birds. I’ve noticed a lot of dog walkers and smokers stopping in this park and they should be aware of the damage that pollution can cause. I really wish the city would install cigarette butt receptacles, do not pollute signs or more trash cans in this area. The signs don’t look nice but litter does NOT look nice either.

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After a short break, Martha and I move over to the L.I.C. Boathouse dock to check if there is litter for us to pick up. We notice that this area is full of broken glass (pictured above) because the old double paned windows on the building next to the dock are breaking. There is also some trash stuck to the fence which is blowing over from the L.I.C Flea. Once again, I just think that people should be aware of the dangers of litter when they are eating by the waterfront. I’m hoping that anyone who saw us that day cleaning up will take a moment to think about it.

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We managed to fill only 1 large garbage of trash through-out the day which is a good thing. It is nice to see that this park is relatively clean and well maintained. Most of the litter was scattered on the street under cars and stuck to the fencing.

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After the event we hung out by the Long Island Community Boathouse, which offers FREE kayaking or canoeing! What more can you ask for! If you want to explore the area by water or try a fun summer water sport then I highly recommend kayaking with the L.I.C. Boathouse! The boathouse is run by volunteers also so if you are looking for a FUN place to volunteer you could check this out also!

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The view of the river is spectacular at any time. It was a great day to be outdoors enjoying it. It was my first time meeting everyone from the L.I.C Boathouse and being inside their facility.

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After the event, we got beers from the Rockaway Brewing Company next door. And you know I LOVE anyways Rockaways and this brewery was originated in the backyard of a bungalow in Far Rockaway! They brew the beer in the back and sell it in a small room in the front. A friendly staff, good locally brewed beer, and free potato chips – what a deal!

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Like I said before, I had a fun day. Excuse my lack of writing skills but what else can I say. There are moments such as this at a volunteer event where you feel like you are a part of something bigger than what you had signed up for. You meet local community groups with great people who are passionate about similar interests as you. You are sitting in the boathouse with a group of people drinking a beer laughing, talking and enjoying a summer afternoon like you are old friends. You skip home with a smile on your face. Like I said before, what more can you ask for.

planting beach grass at far rockaway

When I leave the apartment the sidewalk is wet from the early morning rain. The sky is now clear and the sun is peaking out from behind a cloud. I am hoping it turns out to be good weather today! I am on my way out to the Rockaways to plant beach grass on the dunes of Beach 180- 115 with the New York City Parks Department.

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The bus stops right in front of Surfside Bagels – the cheese and spinach topped bagel is 4000 calories and delicious and the coffee will give you a jolt to  last the entire day! I wanted to stop here first to get coffee – of course, and then walk to Beach 108 to meet up with the City Parks Department and the other volunteers.

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There are some luxury condos for rent here on the Rockaway Beach – I wish I could rent one for the summer! Anyone who pays the rent can join me!

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The staff for the City Parks Department are really friendly, organized, and ready to get the volunteers working right away. We are armed with one little shovel and beach grass. We are instructed to dig a small hole and plop in two shoots and fill in. It’s simple, easy, and everyone seems eager to start.

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There are a lot of big groups of volunteers so the process goes quickly and soon we have a huge area covered in grass. The beach grass is said to take root and start growing within the month.

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 After event I decide to walk back down to Beach 86th to relax and eat my lunch. The sun has been creeping out slowly all morning and by mid afternoon I’m in my tank top and applying sunscreen. It’s a great opportunity to relax on the beach. As you can see (below) there is a lot of construction along the way. The Rockaway Beach Restoration project has been an ongoing effort since Hurricane Sandy hit the coast and a lot of work has to be done. If you want to read more information about the restoration project please click here.

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I notice that Beach 106 rest area is almost complete. They are installing the cement pathway to the pavilion and new New York City recycling bins have arrived! Thankfully these bins have a cover. There are several trash bins on the beach here at the Rockaways but they are open on the top for birds to dig in and high winds cause litter to fly around on the beach.

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I love going to the beach during this time of year. It’s a peaceful place to unwind. I love watching the surfers and paddle boaters in the water. A few weeks ago I a cute surfer had stopped to chat with me- too bad I can’t find HIM again! :) That was the first time I thought a wet suit was sexy.

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As I was sitting there relaxing I set my phone to record five minutes of the ocean, just to have a reminder to carry with me every day. Some days I could use the sound of the ocean in my headphones from the place I love the most during my chaotic commute on the subway.

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one thing that’s green

Today I am attending the 7th Annual “One Thing That’s Green” event hosted by JetBlue Airlines and New York Restoration Project and its MillionTreesNYC initiative! This is a BIG event and I am happy to participate! 

I’ve been eager to volunteer with MillionTreesNYC. It is a citywide program with one HUGE ambitious goal: to plant and care for one million new trees across the City’s all five boroughs over the next decade. They plant trees. Trees are good. 

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It’s early Saturday morning, the sun is shining – it’s supposed to be 65 deg today! I walk over to 48th Street and jump on the Q104 bus for a quick ten minute ride to the Woodside Houses, where the event is taking place. I read that 250 volunteers have signed up today to plant 100 trees in the neighborhood during this event.

I arrive at the event by 9 am. I get a wrist band, a raffle ticket, and a free JetBlue t-shirt. I wonder over to the breakfast brunch table set up with bagels and coffee from Panera Bread. There is COFFEE!!!! :) I LOVE when volunteer events supply us with coffee! I spend some time chatting with JetBlue crew members that are volunteering today. They all seem really happy to have an opportunity to give back to their community.

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I meet Susan, the Program Manager for the NYC Compost Project (see picture below). The NYC Compost Project was created by the NYC Department of Sanitation’s Bureau of Waste Prevention, Reuse and Recycling, which provides compost education and outreach to NYC residents, community groups, government agencies, and nonprofits. I think that every volunteer event should have a compost and/or recycling bin on premises to constantly remind us to do the right thing. Susan gives me information on how to find compost bins around NYC and we chat for a while. If you see Susan at any event say HELLO and don’t forget to THANK her for all her hard work!

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After breakfast, a radio DJ announces that we are having a fitness workout by a celebrity trainer…I make it through the first part of the workout that involves stretching and squats. When he started doing push ups I quickly ran off pretending I needed more coffee.

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We break off into groups organized by colored flags and our wrist bands and walk over to different areas of the neighborhood. I decide to plant the big trees on the sidewalks and after a quick demonstration we move over to our first tree planting! Digging the first hole is easy until we reach a root left behind from a tree that was removed last year. We have to break out the saw and pick ax and put some sweat and muscle into removing it.

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Our first tree is in the ground – success! :)

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We move on to a grassy area to plant another tree. The time goes by really quickly. After our second tree we are ushered back to our meeting grounds for lunch and a raffle.

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It was a great volunteer event! I was really glad I had a chance to volunteer with NYRP once again and MillionTreesNYC for the first time. I’m always happy to see big companies such as JetBlue using their resources to sponsor volunteer events that make a difference. And, as always, volunteers make it all come together!

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sign up for “one thing that’s green” day

I just signed up for the seventh annual One Thing That’s Green on Saturday, April 19th in Highland Park hosted by JetBlue Airlines and New York Restoration Project and its MillionTreesNYC initiative! This tree-planting event is estimated to plant over 100 trees with the help of more than 250 volunteers in the garden space in New York City Housing Authority’s (NYCHA) Woodside Houses in Woodside, Queens! That is great! I can’t wait to be a part of this event. 

If you haven’t participated in a volunteer event this year then sign up! I will be there! I love big sponsored volunteer events. We get FREE t-shirts, training, and fun activities through-out the day. Usually breakfast, lunch, and snacks are provided to volunteers as well. It’s a fun day to get out and meet new people, gain experience, and make a positive difference in the community you live in.

See you there! :)

 

 

at far rockaway beach….again

It’s supposed to be 71 deg today so I have decided to pack my beach bag and go to Far Rockaway Beach! My plan to do my laundry on a Saturday morning was not as FUN as going to the beach! :)

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I can hear the waves crashing on shore from across the street and I’m eager to get onto the sand. I take off my shoes and the sand is hot on the bottom of my feet – which feels amazing! It’s quiet out here today – just a few dog walkers and surfers again.

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I spend a few hours combing the beach looking for seashells and picking litter, stopping to watch dogs happily splashing in the ocean fetching sticks and the surfers braving the freezing water to catch a wave.

I had a few beach goers approach me today asking me what I was doing and appreciating my efforts. A dog walker ran up to me with his hands full of trash to put into the bags, eager to help. A surfer stopped to chat and thank me for cleaning up. One lady said “We all have to do our part in keeping this beach clean, I think it’s amazing that you are here today picking litter. Thank you so much for doing that.” YOU ARE WELCOME! I was so HAPPY that people noticed what I was doing and talked to me about it.

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DANGER: There may be litter on the beach that your child or dog will step on and get hurt! Please take your trash with you when you leave the beach. Thank you! :)

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I filled 9 small shopping bags with litter from the beach in two hours. I found some really large pieces of styrofoam and metal that have blown in from the construction sites.

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I wandered past Beach 90 where the boardwalk is under construction and closed off to the public. The sand is accessible and that is where I found most of the litter. I couldn’t fit all of it in my bags and there was no garbage cans for me to dispose of what I found so I had to carry all the bags back to the nearest trash bin.

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A list of SOME items I found on the beach today:

12 cigarette butts
38 plastic bags/plastic film pieces
25 plastic bottle caps
9 pieces of cloth
4 large styrofoam pieces
1 construction Danger sign
3 balloons
3 cig lighters
9 random obects
8 pieces rope/cord
1 black styrofoam piece
17 bags of chips/snacks
3 snickers bars wrapper
1 blue plastic kids sand shovel
3 large corona beer glass bottles
3 beer cans
2 tampons
7 piles of doggie poop
1 glove
10 random plastic pieces
and the list goes on…

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The bright pink balloon I found on the beach this morning – and my birthday is coming up in a few days! Is that a coincidence??

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I’m not sure why these mountain bikers are taking their bikes on the break wall rocks but I’m curious if they are doing some extreme rock jumping. Also hoping nobody gets hurt!

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If you want more motivation to get out and make a difference I found this great video last night on the Daily Ocean blog. Sara Bayles has done 365 beach cleanups in her local area with a mission to inspire others all around the world to care about our oceans and their beaches. And she is quite an INSPIRATION to me! Read all about it!

Thank you for reading my blog post. If you have any questions or comments write em down! I’d love to hear from you!

gardening in east river park

It’s Saturday! I am volunteering with New York Cares and the New York Park and Recreation Department in East River Park on the Lower East Side of Manhattan to plant daffodil and crocus bulbs in one of the many many gardens. Our many wishes came true and we have a warm sunny Spring day- finally!

I used to play tennis at the Brian Watkins Tennis Center in East River Park, but have’t been here in years! I am eager to walk down Houston Street and explore the Lower East Side of Manhattan this morning before I get to the park. The 7 train was running to Manhattan this weekend so my commute was quick and easy. I got of the F train at Houston and took my time walking down to the river. Katz’s Deli was a great place for me to visit for the first time and get a cup of coffee to go.

I continue to walk another 15 minutes to the East River Park, which runs alongside the Franklin Delano Roosevelt (FDR) Drive and the East River from Montgomery Street to East 12th Street. This park is over 57 acres of waterfront property with spectacular views of the Williamsburg Bridge and the Manhattan Bridge. It has bike paths, flower gardens, tennis courts, baseball courts, playgrounds, soccer fields, an amphitheater, and the Ecology Center. 

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I meet the New York Cares team leaders and fellow volunteers at the track house off the FDR and 6th. The New York City Parks gardener, Hayward, gets our supplies ready for us to start planting!

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For the next few hours we plant daffodil and crocus bulbs in the garden and talk, laugh, and enjoy being outside. I’m really glad I signed up for this project – it was a great way to be outdoors, meet new people, and explore the LES once again, and hopefully in a few weeks we will see our flowers grow and bloom!

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As you can see, there are some daffodils already blooming around the park. The month of March was starting to get depressing because the weather just wasn’t letting winter go quite yet. I was hoping to wash and put all my gloves and hats away for the year but I still need them every day.

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After the volunteer event I decided to walk down the path along the East River and check out more of the park. The baseball field had a game in progress. I noticed the sign (pictured below) that warns players and visitors to clean up after themselves! Just to note, the entire park was really clean of trash except in the fenced off areas under the bridge.

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After the volunteer event I decided to walk down the path along the East River and check out more of the park. The baseball field had a game in progress. I noticed the sign (pictured above) that warns players and visitors to clean up after themselves! Just to note, the entire park was really clean of trash except in the fenced off areas under the bridge.

 

in need of beach therapy

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It’s 42° out and I am taking the bus to Far Rockaway for some “beach therapy” this morning. I’ve spent the last few weeks at home lying on the couch recovering from surgery. The most excitement I’ve had is walking six … Continue reading