the apology was a waste of time

I got an apology letter on my door from the ex. I can’t believe I’m even wasting the time to write about it. He doesn’t deserve one more minute. But, I have read many stories of women who were dumped shortly after their surgery for endometriosis and I felt the need to address it.

One week after my surgery I could barely walk to the bathroom on my own. I still wasn’t able to sleep laying down in my bed because it was too painful to sit up. I couldn’t feel my bladder so I was trying to crawl to the bathroom every hour to avoid peeing on myself which happened a few times. I couldn’t stand up long enough to shower so you can imagine the mess I was making. Every time I dropped something I had to leave it on the floor because I couldn’t pick it up. I had asked my boyfriend at the time to be there for me after my surgery and he only stayed 2 nights. He went back to work more concerned about it than me. That was the story of our relationship. Then I was too tired to have visitors. I was in pain, after all. Why is this happening to me?Will I be able to have children? I was crying and upset all day long. I was short with him and he got mad at me. He stormed out of my apartment and a few days later dumped me over the phone. After a few years of dating he didn’t even have the respect for me to talk to me in person. I fell into a depression for a few weeks, angry at myself for staying in an unhappy relationship just because I needed someone and angry at him for discarding me when I needed him the most. If someone who claimed that he LOVED me was able to discard me easily, how would anyone else want to try to love me when they know I have a disease that could affect the rest of my life? Next time I have pain will this new love discard me too? It made it impossible to think about dating again. I felt more worthless than I did during the lonely relationship. I never thought that would be possible! Then I started to realize it was easier without him. I wasn’t stressed out. I was sleeping better. I knew I had to pull up my big panties and do it all myself. Hey, I’ve been the strongest person I know for quite some time and never relied on anyone else.. why was I thinking I could count on someone now?? I guess that’s what happens when you love someone. You expect the person who says they love you to celebrate all the happy times and rewards, and to carry you through the rough times, never compete with each other because you are a strong team. that is what a relationship is all about, No? I might be wrong.

Like he said, I stopped being fun. Chronic pain, worry, surgery, and hearing that a woman might not be a mother because she waited too long. I guess that wasn’t fun for me either. But, who cared about my feelings? He didn’t. He didn’t even consider how I felt about any of this. I couldn’t even talk to him about it.

Some apologies happen too late. Some apologies don’t need to happen at all because it doesn’t benefit anyone. What’s done is done. I can easily forgive but I will never forget how someone made me feel and I will never go back to a unhappy situation that hurt me more than anything in life. I’ve already been spending time with someone who makes me feel better than I have in the last three years. I’m really lucky to have these moments to give me more hope that things will just always be OK.

Holli

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hiking the manitou point preserve

I love hiking. It is one of my favorite things to do. I had given it up a few times in the past due to knee and foot injuries and that hurt my soul. One thing that I have learned from my recent diagnosis with Endometriosis is that I can’t let anything hold me back from doing the things I want to do NOW because someday I might not be able to do them. Live in the moment.

I made a loose plan to take the Metro North train to Manitou Point Preserve to go hiking on Sunday. I almost miss my train at Grand Central at 7:40 am because they are filming a movie and the entire crew is taking up the entranceway to the main terminal. I have to run and the ticket guy says I have 3 minutes to catch my train! OH, 3 minutes is plenty of time to get a cup of coffee!

The train ride is only an hour north, but the train only stops at Manitou twice in the morning and a few times in the afternoon so timing is critical. The Manitou stop has no stores, restaurants, or public bathrooms – nothing. There is just nature and that is all I need today.

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I get off the train and look around. On one side of the tracks is a little rocky beach area along the Hudson River and on the other side of the tracks is a small road with a spectacular view of the Bear Mountain Bridge past the marsh land full of cattails and bluffs. I great place to learn to paint a memorable landscape to hang on your wall.

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It is a warm early summer day with clear skies and the sounds of frogs in the marsh area are wonderful to hear! It’s been a long time since I’ve made a trek up north to go hiking.

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I continue down the road and see this sign to my left. I find out later that this is the back trail to the Manitou Point Preserve. Most of the land is now private properly and it clearly marked as to where hikers are allowed to go.

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I get a few feet down the path and see a few abandoned buildings, most of the roof and some of the walls are gone so it’s an easy place to explore and fun to photograph. I see a lot of these little orange salamanders on the ground. I’m glad they are bright orange so I don’t step on them because they never move out of my way.

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There is only approximately 4 miles of trails in the Manitou Point Preserve, but there are several trails to take to make it an entire day hike. I want to be on the blue trail because it extends along the Hudson River giving us a great view of the mountain region. The trail is dense and secluded and I enjoy the 4 miles through the woods. The trails are all clearly marked and easy to navigate on your own. It’s a great solo day hike if you are searching for a quiet break from the city.

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The path winds around until I get a view of the Hudson River – it is amazing! The path is literally on the edge of the river bank with drop offs close to your hiking boot. I can see the water hitting the rocks down below. I sit and catch a snack and some water and enjoy the view.

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You are looking at the The Taconic Mountains or Taconic Range, running along the eastern border of New York State, going northwest to Connecticut to western Massachusetts, north to central western Vermont. Some of the summits of this range are quite magnificent to view in Vermont. It is part of the Appalachian Trail also. 

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I continue on the blue trail which is starting to lead me back into the woods, towards the railroad tracks. The path goes over a small bridge where you can see the Metro North train from above. I start to walk up the other road and see a small waterfall and stone bridge. There are large brown salamanders all over so it’s hard to sit and eat my sandwich.

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I walk further up and find the parking lot and main entrance to the Manitou Point Preserve. There are a few cars in the parking lot but I only saw a few people along the trail in the 4 hours I was out there. I felt like I had the entire place to myself.

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I hike back down to the train because there is a train at 1:40 pm and 4:40 pm only and I need to catch it one of those trains. I had finished the hike much faster than expected. Well, I didn’t know what to expect. I had just planned to go somewhere I had never been and explore.

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I have plenty of time to sit on the rocky little beach I saw earlier and eat my lunch. I had packed a sandwich, snacks, and plenty of water because I knew there wasn’t anywhere to go. If you hike this area make sure you are prepared. I always pack more food than I can eat. If you hiked with me you know that I am always eating on the trail.

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The view of the Hudson River is wonderful here! If you want a simple day hike with an amazing view then come to Manitou Point Preserve!

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Well, the train came on time and I was sad to leave. I had a great day hike. I estimated that I hiked approximately 8 miles total and my knee was a bit tight and sore later on that night. All good. I am looking forward to my next hike!

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