the apology was a waste of time

I got an apology letter on my door from the ex. I can’t believe I’m even wasting the time to write about it. He doesn’t deserve one more minute. But, I have read many stories of women who were dumped shortly after their surgery for endometriosis and I felt the need to address it.

One week after my surgery I could barely walk to the bathroom on my own. I still wasn’t able to sleep laying down in my bed because it was too painful to sit up. I couldn’t feel my bladder so I was trying to crawl to the bathroom every hour to avoid peeing on myself which happened a few times. I couldn’t stand up long enough to shower so you can imagine the mess I was making. Every time I dropped something I had to leave it on the floor because I couldn’t pick it up. I had asked my boyfriend at the time to be there for me after my surgery and he only stayed 2 nights. He went back to work more concerned about it than me. That was the story of our relationship. Then I was too tired to have visitors. I was in pain, after all. Why is this happening to me?Will I be able to have children? I was crying and upset all day long. I was short with him and he got mad at me. He stormed out of my apartment and a few days later dumped me over the phone. After a few years of dating he didn’t even have the respect for me to talk to me in person. I fell into a depression for a few weeks, angry at myself for staying in an unhappy relationship just because I needed someone and angry at him for discarding me when I needed him the most. If someone who claimed that he LOVED me was able to discard me easily, how would anyone else want to try to love me when they know I have a disease that could affect the rest of my life? Next time I have pain will this new love discard me too? It made it impossible to think about dating again. I felt more worthless than I did during the lonely relationship. I never thought that would be possible! Then I started to realize it was easier without him. I wasn’t stressed out. I was sleeping better. I knew I had to pull up my big panties and do it all myself. Hey, I’ve been the strongest person I know for quite some time and never relied on anyone else.. why was I thinking I could count on someone now?? I guess that’s what happens when you love someone. You expect the person who says they love you to celebrate all the happy times and rewards, and to carry you through the rough times, never compete with each other because you are a strong team. that is what a relationship is all about, No? I might be wrong.

Like he said, I stopped being fun. Chronic pain, worry, surgery, and hearing that a woman might not be a mother because she waited too long. I guess that wasn’t fun for me either. But, who cared about my feelings? He didn’t. He didn’t even consider how I felt about any of this. I couldn’t even talk to him about it.

Some apologies happen too late. Some apologies don’t need to happen at all because it doesn’t benefit anyone. What’s done is done. I can easily forgive but I will never forget how someone made me feel and I will never go back to a unhappy situation that hurt me more than anything in life. I’ve already been spending time with someone who makes me feel better than I have in the last three years. I’m really lucky to have these moments to give me more hope that things will just always be OK.

Holli

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